Okay, so I'm not perfect. Far from it. I do, however, like to think that I learn from my mistakes and I don't repeat them and that's my definition of growth. My work life seems to be on track finally, but my personal life takes a daily beating and it's my fault. I'm a 'this is what I want and I don't want less than that' kind of woman. That attitude has it's benefits; no drama and no bullshit and it's drawbacks; loneliness. I have to admit that the latter has at times caused me to compromise the former, but what's the general rule on instant gratification?
With that said, I'm struggling. I have in mind, the man I want, the job I want and the future we will have. Problem. The man isn't so sure. We have history. We love each other, but we have different ideas about love. Neither idea is good or bad, just different. There is a lot at stake here, not just feelings, and so to preserve the stakes, I decided to test the waters with someone else.
The "Lovers in love with love" will read this and say "Oh no, you have to stay true to your feelings, give it some time, blah blah blah, and the "Realists who realize the reality" (I made that up, can you tell?) will say "Don't sit around waiting for him to make up his mind, this is your life we're talking about!"
Self-deprecation ahead.
I'm no picnic. I can be a brat. I can be intimidating. I'm bossy. I like things to go my way ( a symptom of being single for so long) and I like it quiet. I'm on the grind and it comes first right now, no exceptions.
Is it fair for me to test the waters with this type of attitude? I told him how I felt. He says he can deal with it, so I let him chase me for a little while. We play this game with ourselves, all of us. We think that if we're honest up front about things, that we're exempt from the guilt and pain we've caused later. WRONG!!!
Example: Someone tells you, "You don't have to call me anymore." What they really mean is "I want you to keep calling me, but I won't ask you to and so when you continue to call me and I hurt you later, I'll just remind you that you didn't have to keep calling."
We all play this sad little game. I'm playing it right now and most of us actively participate in it repeatedly. You twenty-somethings out there, pay attention. The games never go away, you just get better at playing them. I'm out.
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I feel you Chevas. My problem is, I got so good at playing the games, I always won. Or did I? Then I crossed over to "I'm so tired of playing games, it's not fun anymore", and that's where I am now. It forced me to take a look at the spiritual side of this whole relationship thing and that's how SWWL (www.swwlonline.com) was born. So that's where I am now.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being honest, Chevas. We singles need to know that its "not just me," and others are going through the same. I, like you, am well-settled into my singleness, and know the games all to well. Sometimes we play without even realizing.
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